Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Paradise Road.


My dear friend Beth Vogt did a vlog for her book dedication. 
I got about a minute and a half in.

You can watch it here : http://www.bethvogt.com/faith-2/behind-the-book-catch-a-falling-star-book-dedication-vlog/


Why did it do me in?

And before I tell you why, know that I understand and respect the fact that losing an unborn child is a universe away from losing a teenage son. I KNOW that. Don't bother telling me that. I am FULLY AWARE of that fact.
Sorry, but, I've heard the "it's not the same" come from well meaning people.

But our loss was ours and it was still brutal.


I was encouraged to find a place to voice my feelings. I found that place on a website called "Open Diary". I rarely go there anymore, but I owe much recovery to the friends I made there and many of them are on Facebook. But since I started writing, this sounds dumb, I have no time to write. I know, lame!


But, this is what I wrote for my first entry there, 12 years ago.



I need an outlet for my thoughts right now. Somehow anonymity is my friend
So here we go...
There was a film made a few years ago about women in a POW camp in WW2. It was called "The Paradise Road", in reference to the road towards the gates of Heaven walked alone once one had died. Why do I mention this now??
We found out yesterday that our 10 week fetus was not 10 weeks along, but had died at 6 weeks. Holy smokes. I had just wrapped my head around the "we are having another Baby!!!"
Now they tell me that it isn't a baby, it's a mass of cells still attached to my uterine wall, somehow still in there. But it's NOT a "mass", it's my child. My DEAD child.
A lesson called" How to crush the spirit and still pretend to function"?
So now I prepare for the slow/fast expulsion of the "baby". Somehow.
How do I let this baby go? How do I cope with still harbouring a dead child? Ahhhhhhgh ! I thought and I thought. Then the shortest prayer many have uttered..."help".
Then, the movie's title came to mind." Paradise Road". Walk down the Paradise Road. I am a firm believer in an absolute and loving God. I know He put this thought into my blurred and worn out mind.
So I mentally wrapped my baby up, put it in the nice big blue pram, and walked down the long Paradise Road. I am not alone in this. God is there, walking ahead, leading us so I can keep my eyes on you.
So on we walk, Baby and Mother. Saying my goodbyes. It was so painful,I didn't even know if you are a girl or a boy!!!
We get to the Gate. I have to go back now.
I'll meet you in 60 years when I die in my sleep, then please meet me at the beginning of the road. You'll show me the way. Then you can tell me your name. Take the blanket. Even though Heaven is warm, you might need this. We loved you.


Remember this, my friends, if and when there is a day you choose to go to war with God, and yes, that was the day for me...He will not fight back, but He will hold your hand on the battlefield and bring you home. He will heal your broken heart. He will hold you against His heart and let you cry until you have nothing left.

And He will restore you.

Trust me.

Because I know I have five children, it's just that one lives in Heaven.

16 comments:

  1. Just no words for this, my friend. No words. Thank the Lord He is there even in those battlefields.

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    1. Yes. And He never retaliates, He never gives up on us.He just holds us tight and lets us break against Him, then puts us back together.

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  2. Awww, my heart hurts for your painful loss. I know that baby's on Jesus' lap, smiling down on you. Bless you, Jenn.

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  3. It took me a few tries to read this, Jennifer. Something in my eyes. Couldn't see the screen clearly.

    I've been through it, from the father's point of view. I know how much it hurts. I'm so sorry.

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    1. Thank you, big brother. I know you understand this. And I am comforted knowing they are waiting for us.

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  4. Oh Jennifer, such hard words. My heart hurts for your loss.

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    1. Thank you, Megan. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes I go months without remembering.

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  5. Oh, Jennifer, I can empathize. Gwynly and I lost our first child at 10 weeks. We wanted that baby so much, and I was crushed when we learned it had passed out of my body. It was December. Everyone around me was getting into the holiday spirit, and I was waiting until the inevitable trip to the hospital to undergo a D&C. I cried my way through Christmas that year. Hugs from someone who understands that vacant ache of a mother who never got to hold her child.

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    1. Ohhhh, Keli. You poor sweet dear. Hugs back, my friend.

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  6. I've never lost a baby, never lost a child. This made me weep.

    What a beautiful post on "walking your baby home". I'm covered in goose bumps. What a gift you've given grieving parents.

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    1. Thank you very much, Virginia. And welcome to Tales From The Redhead, I'm so glad you stopped by.

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  7. Jennifer,

    My heart knows - and our babies, I'm sure, are hanging out together, making big plans for when their mamas come sweeping through those gates, calling their names.

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    1. I had no idea! Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

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  8. Jennifer, I couldn't read this a couple of days ago when you posted. I wanted to be able to really soak it in. I remember. We lost our first baby at 10 weeks. It truly is one of the most difficult things to reconcile with God. My heart is with you my friend. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    And I like the idea of our babies playing together. I'm so looking forward to meeting my wee one face to face. One day. :)

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  9. Oh Jeanne, I so understand not reading it right away. My heart is with you, too.

    It will be quite a reunion to see our little ones, won't it, my dear friend?

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