Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Sunday, September 30, 2012

The fairest of them all...edit.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

I went to my other blog today, I don't visit much anymore, but I still try to pop in and say hello.

I used to be "friends" with someone on there who is basically blind, stinking, ridiculously over the top, loaded beyond words... RICH.

I met him through another friend, we'll call her Sarah.
Sarah died two years ago from cancer. She was 25. Her family was a royal mess, but it was big and loud and they loved her. The family was molded rather than made. Two women who were friends from their childhood years stayed together through thick and thin. One was happily married with a few kids. One flitted around the world then had a fling with a married man and left him behind after some summer fun and marriage wrecking.
She didn't know for about 6 months that she was pregnant and was completely shocked to be told she was going to be a mother. She came flying home and was grabbed into her best friend's arms and it was there that she found her place. Sarah grew up with 2 mothers, one father and 2 sets of grandparents and brothers and sisters all intertwined line a vine. No beginning, no end, just lots of love in the long, winding, loving story. 
When Sarah was in university, her "brother", (the un-related kids in the clan referred to each other as siblings their entire lives) died of cancer, and it devastated her whole, huge clan.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Sarah was diagnosed with cancer. It was all over the place. They nuked her and fried her and the doctors did everything possible to save her. She went through that TWICE.
Then was given the all clear and went back to university.

Then she got chicken pox and was in the hospital for a month.
Her birth mother came to her bedside, took one look at her ONLY CHILD and said "I can't deal with this."
And left.
For 6 weeks.
She went sailing in Greece.

Poor sweet Sarah. She was diagnosed with cancer again.
I poured my heart into that girl, as did quite a few others from the blog site. Her touchable and virtual friends loved her long and hard from all across the world.

She was friends with the rich boy, who jetted all over the world, chasing cancer treatments and surgeries and receiving all kinds of cutting edge treatments that were far beyond the reach of Sarah. This young kid also faught HARD to stay alive, but he DID have an edge.
A really impressive,expensive edge.

Don't tell me that he didn't.
Don't tell me they had the same chance.
Don't tell me Sarah wasn't angry.
She was.
She told me so.
More than once.

One day, I got an email from her telling me she'd been declared cancer free, but was still in the hospital.

She was a nanny for a posh family in Europe and missed the kids very much while she was in treatment. Her doctors gave her permisson to take the kids to a movie while on an evening pass from the hospital. They went in late. She was bald and weak and they were aided by the kind theatre staff who sat them in the back row.

She felt tired after the movie and went to bed in her hospital room. That night, after sharing a fun evening with the kids, she had a massive stroke. Her heart failed the next day, and she died.

Her body was spent.
The cancer was gone, and so was her strength.
She had literally died of exhaustion.

I saw today's post from the young man.
He had some kind of surgery and since his infection was gone, he and his wife went to Europe. 
Yes, it appears he is still sick.
I KNOW that.
But his bills are taken care of by his wealthy family.

The demon of financial worry does not haunt him. It doesn't keep him from seeking treatment. The burden of selling their house to keep him alive doesn't cloud which drugs he takes for pain.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why my dad struggles each day with pain.
Why my biological father walked away from 3 children.
I do not understand why my friend has a chronic, painful condition that has wiped her out for months.
I do not understand why me and half my female friends are on some kind of anti-depressant.

Understand this, pay attention, listen to me...if I did not take my meds, my life would NOT be what it is now.

And yes, I sure did pray about it.


Why do some people have everything and others have nothing?
Why does that kid from the blog have the resources to keep fighting and win, when others have nothing?

The thing is.
None of us deserve anything.
Neither good, not bad, none of us DESERVE one sweet thing in this world.

God GIVES us HIS grace.
He gives us His love.

Which is good.
Because I cannot afford to buy what it takes to please God. Because nothing *I* can DO can impress Him.
It is what I can accept FROM Him!
It's what HE gives ME!!!!

How cool is that?

He gives me His love, His grace and His mercy.
And He takes my life and makes it His.

I can only give it back to Him.


  1. Deep stuff, and sad! We sometimes never know the WHYs, do we? But thank goodness no one buys their way into heaven. We're all equal in God's eyes.

    1. Amen and AMEN Heather!! Equality before Him sure makes me feel better about all the screw ups I've done. And it takes me down a peg when I feel better than someone who's not doing what *I* think they should be doing.
      The blanket of grace is a wonderful thing.

  2. It's so hard to understand the amazing riches we have stored up for us - the inheritance that is ours in Christ Jesus - when we're living in this fallen creation. But God desires to give us His Kingdom on Earth - it's almost always given to us in the unseen. It's His lavish, undeserved love and grace - and with it we're the wealthiest in the world. It's hard to understand why some have more than others in the physical realm - but I think for those people, it's more of a burden, because it's harder for them to understand the unseen gifts.

    Thank you for sharing today, Jennifer.

  3. What a sad story. My heart hurts over all the pain and sickness in this world.

    It's so easy to wonder why and beat on God's chest and beg Him for something different.

    I know. I've been there.

    But the amazing thing is...He offers us all the same thing. Yes, it may not solve all the "problems" we think need solving here on earth, but it gives us more than an earthly perspective.

    I am often so focused on the here and now. But what if I turned that around and instead had a heavenly perspective?

    How different would my life be?

    I'd love to find out.

  4. Your raw honest way of writing captivated me Jennifer. How many times have I ask the same questions, thank God for His new mercy for I use my daily quota everyday. My heart aches for my mother, 85 having to live in a nursing home because she and her children do not have finances to have her home with us and bring in the two nurses it takes to take care of her round the clock. It is so unfair that at the end of her life she must linger in her frail body. She so wants to shed her dress of flesh and even though I will miss her terribly I long for God to call her home. I am so thankful for the hope that lives within me that I will see her again. God bless you for your profound heart was saying, yes, yes, yes to all you wrote. Betty

  5. My friend,

    You have spoken words straight out of my heart today. I don't know your friends, but I have seen these "unbalanced scales" many times before, often witnessing them in my own life. Your point - I can't ever afford what it takes to please God - is spot on. SPOT on. And that just makes me even more grateful for grace! And His mercy!


    1. Thank you Warrior Princess. You are, you know, a warrior and a princess. <3

  6. Gabrielle-I love that word "lavish", His love IS lavish, isn't it?? Beyond what we can imagine and deserve. It is a comfort to know that His grace is sufficient!! Thanks for visiting!

    Lindsay-"It's so easy to wonder why and beat on God's chest and beg Him for something different.
    I know. I've been there." I love that sentence, and that image. And I love that we CAN beat on our Abba's chest and He can take it. And I am SO sorry that you had to endure what it took to write that. Hugs. I'm glad you came today.

    Betty-Welcome to TFTR!!! How kind of you to visit. I am deep;y humbled by your words and that you shared them. I'll keep your mother , and you, in my prayers.

  7. Jennifer, your friend's story is so sad, and I will pray for her family and the young man and his family. It is a good question -- why do some people get life handed to them on a silver platter while others fight for scraps? I do know this: Jesus said that it would be harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Basically saying that when you have everything and you have no need to trust in God for anything -- you have no need to trust in God for anything. Having nothing is a blessing in disguise, because when you have nothing, you learn to depend on God. In a way a person surrounded by comfort and stability never will.

    So why does one die and another live to see another day? Only God knows the answer, and we must trust in His goodness and sovreignty. He knows what He's doing. And He loves us all the same. He has a different plan for each of us, a different life span for each of us, but He loves us all the same. Equally. And it's so comforting to remember that. :-)

    Bless you my friend!

    1. Hi Gwen, it's nice to see you here.
      It is totally comforting to rest in the fact that HE knows the plans He has made for us, Jeremiah 29:11 says exactly that.
      And in His goodness. Oh my, if we all had to trust in ourselves, it wouldn't be so pretty, would it?

  8. I thought I lot about how to comment, because my life resembles some of the above (not the rich part, unfortunately).

    In my heart of hearts, I do have to say - yeah, I do deserve something better. I've done my best to make the world better, and if pressed, I don't think it's "as a filthy rag in God's sight".

    The best was pretty good. The worst...well, it was pretty bad. Not Charles Manson, but not something I'd want to revisit, ever.

    But I am where I am, and the only thing I can do is pray for a miracle, and make each moment count, to the best of my ability. To me, God's grace is the help that he gives me to continue on when I really don't want to.

    His grace is friends who care that I woke up this morning.

    And His grace is the assurance that somehow, somewhere, this is all going to mean something. That the love and the hope will be taken up into some kind of glory that will be a light to those who are still here, still caring about what they do, about the choices they make.

  9. Andrew, it took me a while to figure out my response to this.
    First, God's grace IS sufficient, and I am very thankful that you wake up each morning. So is B! Besides, we still have all those adoption papers to fill out.


    What is always under intense pressure? Under seemingly UN-ENDING pressures and forces that almost never abate? It fights back but never wins. What has the whole world pressing down on it and it can only hold on until someone comes along and digs it out of the dirt and filth?

    A diamond, my dear brother. A big, beautiful diamond.

    The finest of all that is precious in this world.