Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The pretty part of pain.

I have a confession to make.
I had some serious, butt whupping anger come out yesterday.
Like, you are fortunate to not be ANYWHERE near me.

Something happened that hurt, and hurt tremendously.
It was the "slap in the face" kind of hurt that makes you blink and walk backwards.
A pain that caused me to question alot about myself.

I lay in bed and wondered WHY what was said was so painful. Why did I take such deep offense to something that was not intended to go in deep and twist a few times.

I realized that even now, at the age of 49, I'm still in touch with myself at 2 1/2.

Someone dear to me said something silly, innocuous and innocent. 

It WAS poorly timed and stupid, but really Jennifer, you're pushing 50, shake it off! 


Very wrong.

It boiled down to a little girl who was hurting. A small child whose male parent left and never came back.
And to long buried memories of a friend who lied, lied, threatened and lied and used MY name.

How the words my friend said yesterday equated what happened 47 years ago, and 27 years ago, is something that only the rabbit trails of the human mind can justify.
This meant that, that referred to this, that reminded me of that and BAM!!
Someone's gonna PAY!

A few emails were sent and finally a very heated phone conversation. Did I mention I haven't been that angry in ages?

But... I didn't want to upset this person.
But I was angry.
But nice girls don't get mad.
But I was MAD!!!!
But I wanted to really get in some kind of serious sword play or at least throw some rocks!
I was hurt, don't I have rights???
Lines in my sand box had been drawn decades ago. They had been crossed!! How could this happen??

The friend's response to me was roughly "go ahead, fire away, we both need you to fire at will". 

So, I did.
And it went well.
But only for me.

But the best part of this whole episode was NOT getting angry and ranting and sand blasting someone I love, it was the sound that comes after the fireworks. 
When the spent gunpowder and blown up bits paper fall through the air and land softly on the cool grass.

That "ahhhh" moment when everything has settled and we knew we were okay. When the tears had dried, when the echo of harshness was answered with the sound of laughter and good natured teasing.

When the ugly side of pain was turned over and I could see the beauty that had taken root and grown quickly into an even more beautiful garden.

I don't know how long I'll have with that friend, but whatever time I have left won't be wasted pulling weeds and shoving them back and saying "remember when you hurt me?".

I'll choose to hold tight to the fresh air after the rain, when God opens His hands, shines down the sun and makes a sea of diamonds. 


  1. OH my word, love that last sentence! LOVE IT!!!!

  2. Lovely!

    The older I get, the better it seems I can communicate with my Inner 2 1/2 year old. She makes more sense than 51-year-old me MOST of the time.

    1. CRONE!!! Hi!!!
      Your 51-year-old-you is AWESOME!!!

  3. Oh, yes. Jennifer, you've done it again. You've written my heart. I love this.


    1. Thanks Becky. I HATE confrontation. HATE IT. But grace is such a treasure, to not give it to my friend because I was hurt, is a slap in the face of God, who pours His on me!

  4. I just love how God can turn everything around and give us JOY when we didn't expect it. Hugs, Jennifer! (Eh...) *wink*

    1. Lindsay, isn't God's timing and skill a marvel? He can flip what seems to be a heart crushing experience and turn it into something so amazing, it takes our breath away. Like the calm, rainbow filled skies after a teeth shaking thunderstorm.

  5. The way you handled the issue was exactly right. Trying to bury a hurt that runs so deep is perhaps the worst thing you can do.

    Not because it'll erupt in a bottomless rage (well, usually not!) but because it'll change you. You may lose the capacity to trust, and you may lose a part of yourself - the part of yourself that claims membership in life and relationships.

    Yes, talking it through is a risk - the relationship can be lost, or altered, if the other person's ego gets in the way - but even then, you're better off, because the relationship was, in some part, based on fantasy.

  6. Hi Andrew.
    Trust was a big issue in this situation. Mine was kicked right in the head and I was actually scared that if I didn't talk to my friend, honestly and openly, then I would have felt the trust I placed in that person fade away. And I refused to let that happen. I know that my friend has placed great trust in me, and I value that immensely. But if I can't trust back? Then what's the point, right?
    Thankfully, things are back to where they were before the words crashed on the floor and sent shards into everyone involved.