The pretty part of pain.

I have a confession to make.
I had some serious, butt whupping anger come out yesterday.
Like, you are fortunate to not be ANYWHERE near me.

Something happened that hurt, and hurt tremendously.
It was the "slap in the face" kind of hurt that makes you blink and walk backwards.
A pain that caused me to question alot about myself.

I lay in bed and wondered WHY what was said was so painful. Why did I take such deep offense to something that was not intended to go in deep and twist a few times.

I realized that even now, at the age of 49, I'm still in touch with myself at 2 1/2.

Someone dear to me said something silly, innocuous and innocent. 

It WAS poorly timed and stupid, but really Jennifer, you're pushing 50, shake it off! 

Right?
Wrong.

Very wrong.

It boiled down to a little girl who was hurting. A small child whose male parent left and never came back.
And to long buried memories of a friend who lied, lied, threatened and lied and used MY name.

How the words my friend said yesterday equated what happened 47 years ago, and 27 years ago, is something that only the rabbit trails of the human mind can justify.
This meant that, that referred to this, that reminded me of that and BAM!!
Someone's gonna PAY!

A few emails were sent and finally a very heated phone conversation. Did I mention I haven't been that angry in ages?

But... I didn't want to upset this person.
But I was angry.
But nice girls don't get mad.
But I was MAD!!!!
But I wanted to really get in some kind of serious sword play or at least throw some rocks!
I was hurt, don't I have rights???
Lines in my sand box had been drawn decades ago. They had been crossed!! How could this happen??


The friend's response to me was roughly "go ahead, fire away, we both need you to fire at will". 

So, I did.
And it went well.
But only for me.


But the best part of this whole episode was NOT getting angry and ranting and sand blasting someone I love, it was the sound that comes after the fireworks. 
When the spent gunpowder and blown up bits paper fall through the air and land softly on the cool grass.

That "ahhhh" moment when everything has settled and we knew we were okay. When the tears had dried, when the echo of harshness was answered with the sound of laughter and good natured teasing.

When the ugly side of pain was turned over and I could see the beauty that had taken root and grown quickly into an even more beautiful garden.

I don't know how long I'll have with that friend, but whatever time I have left won't be wasted pulling weeds and shoving them back and saying "remember when you hurt me?".

I'll choose to hold tight to the fresh air after the rain, when God opens His hands, shines down the sun and makes a sea of diamonds.