Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Santa Cruz, California, October 28th, 2014

Saturday, June 2, 2012

This is from my journal/blog on, written on June 22nd, 2001.

We'd had a miscarriage and I was utterly broken. I was 38.
This was my very first blog entry. My best friend Robyn had me start writing to cope with the pain.

So here we go...
There was a film made a few years ago about women in a POW camp in WW2. It was called "The Paradise Road", in reference to the road towards the gates of Heaven walked alone once one had died. Why do I mention this now??
We found out yesterday that our 10 week fetus was not 10 weeks along, but had died at 6 weeks. Holy smokes. I had just wrapped my head around the "we are having another Baby!!!"
Now they tell me that it isn't a baby, it's a mass of cells still attached to my uterine wall, somehow still in there. But it's NOT a "mass", it's my child. My DEAD child.
A lesson called" How to crush the spirit and still pretend to function"?
So now I prepare for the slow/fast expulsion of the "baby". Somehow.
How do I let this baby go? How do I cope with still harbouring a dead child? Ahhhhhhgh ! I thought and I thought. Then the shortest prayer many have uttered..."help".
Then, the movie's title came to mind." Paradise Road". Walk down the Paradise Road. I am a firm believer in an absolute and loving God. I know He put this thought into my blurred and worn out mind.
So I mentally wrapped my baby up, put it in the nice big blue pram, and walked down the long Paradise Road. I am not alone in this. God is there, walking ahead, leading us so I can keep my eyes on you.
So on we walk, Baby and Mother. Saying my goodbyes. It was so painful,I didn't even know if you are a girl or a boy!!!
We get to the Gate. I have to go back now.
I'll meet you in 60 years when I die in my sleep, then please meet me at the beginning of the road. You'll show me the way. Then you can tell me your name. Take the blanket. Even though Heaven is warm, you might need this. We loved you.

1 comment:

  1. Jennifer, I loved this - especially the very last few lines, they brought tears to my eyes. You will know his or her name someday and s/he will meet you at the beginning of the road to show you the way. Thanks for sharing.